I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize