All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
