How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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