true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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