look no pants
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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