when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
