Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
