Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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