I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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