Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
