Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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