Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
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