I'm pants shitting drunk right now
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
