Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
