too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
