Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
