You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
