2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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