He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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