i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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