Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
