Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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