Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
