You can't special order awesome
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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