How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize