I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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