The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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