I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
