you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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