it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
