made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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