Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
