I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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