you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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