Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize