Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
