I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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