that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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