Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
did i just pee glitter
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
why is half of my head shaved?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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