We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
