I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
