her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
