so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
