my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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