Already got asked if we're dating
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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