Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
