Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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