I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
