if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
