we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
