She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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