Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
