she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
