Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
