I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
