don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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