you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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