Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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