i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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