Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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