I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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