you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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