hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
